October 11, 2003

Caskets

My old mentor and colleague Canon P D Quirk recently left me a long voice mail.

Actually, when it comes to Quirk, I prefer voice mail. He rarely calls unless it’s about something he hopes to stump me with — and often does. I like having time to prepare. He’d called this time to ask if I’d read about the funeral industry’s latest challenge. I had.

Caskets, like terry-cloth robes, come in one-size-fits-all, take it or leave it. The standard width is 24″, a felicitous size for most of us. Length is never a problem. Undertakers solved that long ago in ways they’d rather not make all that widely known.

But folks are dying fatter these days, and no matter how hard the funeral people try, there’s simply no way for them to take their job and stuff it. So they’re forced to make some products 20″ wider than standard, better-braced and stronger, and with extra handles for the increased number of pallbearers required.

The story, of course, is the stuff of which parody is made, but even a modicum of empathy curtails that. On the other hand, I should think that casket makers would welcome the diversion. I don’t imagine that there’s ever been much artistic flexibility in designing their products. And some would argue that the industry is not without pushing the boundaries of license and taste from time to time.

I was ready for Quirk, or so I thought. When he finally caught me, all he wanted to know was how was I doing on keeping up with my recent regimen of exercise and diet.

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